Finding the Pearl

I’m posting this channelling here today as I have often found it very helpful and reassuring. It is as current today as it was back in 2011

Archangel Ariel, through Isaac George

Oct 1st, 2011


“Greetings, Ariel here…

Behold the times you are in, and marvel at your experience. You are processing so much experience, that you can barely contain it all. That which you call ‘overwhelm’, ‘excitement’ or even ‘fear’ is the awareness that everything is indeed melting, shifting and boiling to a level of intensity that is more powerful than you have ever imagined. It’s all uphill from here! What we mean by that is not to imply more work, more effort. It is to indicate that there are even more intense phases of experience to move through and live. How one embraces this intensity, and what it means for all who have ears to hear, is the purpose of our discourse.

As we view the events unfolding upon your world now, it is important that you know that our knowing is that all is well. As we indicated over two years ago, the advent of the age of Uranus in Aries would precipitate greater awakening, and a greater demand for truth, justice and freedom. The pressure was building all of that time and burst forth at the beginning of 2011. Human beings desire to know more, feel more, explore more, and above all, to find a level of meaning and purpose beyond mere survival, or mere consumerism. Spirit is not calling to its own to search for deeper spirituality and love, but to FIND the truth of that within one’s own heart, and in the hearts of all your brothers and sisters. The collective kundalini awakening is underway, and all that is not in alignment with Spirit is now subject to the fires of purification. Expressed in other traditions, the Lover seeks cosmic union with the Beloved, Shakti with Shiva, Innana and Dumuzi, Yeshua and Magdalene. The dance of opposites is now the melting of opposites. The time of being the pilgrim or disciple is coming to an end, as is the time of the guru or spiritual authority. The seeker becomes the finder. The pearl of great price is laid out before you, if you will accept it with Grace.

This pearl is the pearl of your own consciousness, and that is no different from your ideal or image of ‘God’ or Spirit. You are the accurate pinpoint of Spirit-potential in physicality. Your task is to realize (real eyes) that you are who you have always been – Life and Love incarnate. Freedom is not just an abstract attitude; it is a direct state of being that demands complete obedience, obedience to the truth within. We may construe the word ‘obedience’ with slavishness, but in this statement we are implying devotion and loyalty to your Sovereignty and to Spirit.

That truth is the pearl of great price. When you let go of your spiritual impatience and your ambition, the pearl in you becomes visible to those “who hunger and thirst after righteousness.” They see what it is they have been starved of, and seek to sit with you, to absorb the essence of the pearl within. This is a necessary step to understanding the mystery of entrainment, a phase that is a requirement of experience that awakens within the one seeking, so that they recognize the fountain of truth is also within themselves. Don’t cast your pearls before swine, which is to say, do not try to convince others of your sanctity or truth by argument or demonstration. Instead, radiate acceptance without regard of whether you are worthy enough, or whether there is enough to give. If you place limits on Spirit, you may feel drained and resent those who are still seeking.

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If you’re wondering how to locate this pearl, it is not difficult. It is a simple truth when you honestly look at the most basic of human needs. That need is love. To feel it, to know it, to be it is the strongest of the desires in your heart. In reality, it is the only desire and Reality. When one encounters this love, separation dissolves, problems shrink in importance, and the troubles of the world begin to fade into the background. This Love is all loves, of all types. In actuality, there is only one Love, or Love, and all expressions of it are merely the dance of Love seeking to know itself, and through the activity of Love each soul can discover the stillness in the centre of Love. This is the place all strive towards, because it is the experience of endless peace. The activity is part of the dance, and as such is just as important is the still-point of Love. The activity is you seeking, and that seeking is to be close to that which Love is close to: the Mystery of Being. We are really describing the nature of God, and She is waiting to be experienced directly and personally by you. Even your ego participates in this pearl of great price, this endless Love and the Mystery that enfolds it, enfolds you, and enfolds all of Existence.

When you allow for the fact that everything is essential in existence because of Love, then you begin to realize that your judgments about the various faces of love are distortions exaggerated by the unhealed parts of the ego-mind. We tell you that the ego is also a creation of Love, but you have lost the memory of its original design and function, and so it has gotten into mischief. Whereas before the ego was only for understanding and coping with a physical body and physical worlds, through many errors and traumas the ego became dominant in the experience of interpreting Life and the nature of existence. You, as Consciousness, became so fascinated with your ‘self’ and your projections, that the descent or ‘fall’ into matter was inevitable. You identified with images and things and forgot that which you are. Here is wisdom: the ego is indeed flawed, but completely worthy of Love. When you need the attention of others, it is your soul AND your ego that are yearning for connection, attention, and Love. When you desire to give attention to others, it also nourishes your soul and your ego. The soul absorbs Love, because that is what it is. The ego absorbs love, but since it has taken on a separate persona, it feels it must compete for, or control the love it receives, or gives. There is a perception of ‘not enough’, which is part of the three Cosmic Falsehoods: You are a mistake (because you are an individual Self- kicked out of Heaven, whatever), you are not enough (you wouldn’t be in this predicament if you had been more worthy, good, perfect!), and there isn’t enough (love, life, abundance, etc.). These lies were crafted a long, long time ago to enslave and imprison human potential. The story of how survives in many fragments, but it is not our focus here.

So, you crave attention, and sometimes the results of the efforts to attract that are less than satisfactory. You desire to feel noticed, loved, appreciated, praised, lauded, welcomed, pampered, and generally adored. When was the last time you did any of those things for you? When was the last time (or first time!) that you gave up your control and felt the abiding presence of Love fill you up and enfold you? You cannot give what you do not recognize in yourself. Instead, you keep taking yourself to workshops and gurus in the hope you’ll be noticed, or in the hope that something or someone outside of you will bring you a bit closer to the Mystery. What usually happens when you finally do surrender a bit to that sense of abiding Love is that all that you have longed for outside of you shows up at your front door and knocks. You are not in control of the timing or the manner in which you are invited to join the dance. You are only offered the opportunity to be swept off of your feet. What you do with that is entirely up to you.

There are many ways that Love knocks on the door of your heart. Falling in love happens so that you can be in Love. It is only when you start to worry about whether this person, place, situation or thing will continue to want to be with you that the Love begins to withdraw (2nd Cosmic Falsehood). The Mystery will not hang around if you begin to build walls and rules around it. Your history of self-betrayal and pain pokes its head out of the pit in your heart and warns you about all types of misery that will come if you don’t fight to hang on to what you’ve found. This activity is part of casting the pearl of Love before swine…in this case the images of pain and fear that you have yet to exorcise from your ego/subconscious. Love has no agenda, has no need for you to be or do anything than to be yourself. The ego has no trust of this…its memory is too vivid. As the projections begin to overpower the original untainted love, then all your worst fears begin to manifest. Your Beloved is tainted, flawed, and the poison of mistrust begins to spread. You all know how this ends. There are too many poems and songs about unrequited or betrayed love to count. However, this potential loss is usually the opportunity that your soul has created to expand your ego’s capacity to understand a greater love, and love without conditions. Through pain, suffering and loss, the ego may reassert its defences and rebuild its walls, only higher this time. This continues until the pain is so great, that the surrender that follows is sufficient to heal both ego and soul.

Finding the pearl is the only real path of your being, your life; more important than stars, planets or galaxies. They will pass away. You will never pass away. Have you tried prayer lately? Have you had a conversation with Goddess recently? Ascension requires a descension – a letting go of what you think you know…about everything. When you look at your life, or the world, you can easily see that it is all calling for attention, calling for Love. We gently suggest that you allow yourself to release from your current experience all resistance to Love. Sometimes, this means deliberately pruning excess baggage from your journey. Lighten your load, and you will become lighter.
Whether they be old beliefs, emotions, grudges, people, memories or material acquisitions, let them go. Then, you can give your fullest attention to those people and situations you feel magnetized to. You need them, and they need you. Too many feel that ‘need’ is a weakness, a fatal flaw. Need points to something essential however, and the only error is the ego’s attempt to create addictions based on one of the three Cosmic Falsehoods that have been so deeply ingrained. You know better. You know you cannot possess the Mystery. You know that you really don’t own anyone or anything, not even your body is yours. But, like a puppet on a string, you find yourself compelled to act against your own heart. This is a time, right in this moment, to choose differently. Choose to find the pearl now.

Instead of using words, fancy rituals, or invocations, we recommend images. If you have difficulty in forming images, then you might sketch or draw something that represents Love first. Remember a first falling in love experience, or perhaps you had a very close friend or relative you absolutely adored. Perhaps a pet that is with you will provide the spark, or maybe it is a sacred place or spiritual experience that will work the best. Whatever it is, bring it fully into your mind’s eye and fill your heart with the memory or feeling that you cherish about it. While tuning into the image, try to just shift the focus from the first image or feeling to yourself. Include your body, mind and ego in the image. If any mind chatter gets in the way, just breathe slowly and deeply and gently guide your attention back to your image. Now, you can ask that God, or Jesus, or Brahma, or whatever name you choose, come to you and embrace you. Imagine that you are opening your front door, and welcoming He or She in, and then open your arms to embrace and be embraced. Whatever you experience at this point is perfect for you. Do not wonder what others might experience. Your encounter, your communion is happening in a unique way for you. Forget about what you expect to happen, and something will happen! We suggest you work with this a few times a day or week and deepen the discourse. Cultivating this relationship will take a little time, but it is the most rewarding of spiritual disciplines, for in it you will discover that there is no God or Goddess that is independent from you. You will know that you are home again, and there is no other truth than that. Point of view becomes obsolete in the absolute.

Many paths look to negate the ego, or even to negate the possibility of a ‘personal’ relationship with the Divine in you. It’s all heady stuff about non-dualism and dropping illusions, and so forth. The other paths may recommend renunciation, or celibacy, or ‘creating your own reality’, but there is no greater path than the path of Love. Too many philosophies contain mental noise and denial of the truth of a Conscious, Living, Loving Creator. These constructs will not satisfy like the embrace of the Beloved will. When the Beloved is awake in you, your attention on another will be like a healing balm, and your physical touch will also excite their consciousness into remembrance. This energy is not of your volition but is the radiance of the Mystery broadcasting outwards to all. Some will respond in kind and welcome you. Some will feel the Mystery as a threat to their crystallized ego pain and defences and will withdraw from you. Some may actually attack you out of the fear that is so entrenched in them. Forgive them, for they know not what they do.

Release your roles and stop your seeking. If you are thirsty, drink. If you are hungry, eat. If you are lonely, ask for comfort. If you are afraid and anxious, pray. You are not alone. You are not unworthy. You are not lacking anything. The pearl is in you and is you. Nothing is more precious than this…that the Love that gave birth to you is your true nature. That is sufficient unto itself, and we give our blessing.”

She Loves You…

Nu Gua by Donna Carey

There are some who may be feeling bereft of love today, and there are those who may not be. Sooner or later we all feel full or empty of love and much of that can be put down to not being able or willing to allow love in. Being reception is the most pressing ‘need’ of our time for we do indeed live in a society which has decided that to give is better than to receive.  It doesn’t make sense of course because there must always be those who are open to receiving in order for any giving to take place…

I believe that our most dire lack of receiving is from our Earth Mother Goddess – if we would but allow ourselves to feel loved by Her then we would receive the most beautiful bounty and have need for nothing. We would understand our place in the world and want for nothing. We would know all our requirements are taken care of, no question, no qualification, no validation required – it is a given, and it would be known to each and every one of us who is able to open to receiving, we would know what and when to take. Yes – it is already a given so knowing when/what to take is required of us, it’s a responsibility and part and parcel of being in right relationship with the earth.

A major disorder of our time is lack of self-worth and this lack of self-belief means we do not feel worthy to receive – we close ourselves of and say ‘no’ to receiving love. Anyone who has ever felt this way about themselves only then to have their heart  opened by the sweetest most loving presence ever imaginable will know the bitter sweetness of realising that they had always been loved – they simply didn’t realise it.

She Loves You
She Loves You Not
She Loves You – and there is no ‘Not’
SHE LOVES YOU
END OF STORY – GAME OVER!
– From Your Mother, The Earth, The Goddess

In every moment it is far easier to turn away, to block, to deny, to avoid the Love that She has for us, for me, for you. Given the option, most people choose that which they know; separation from Spirit, separation from Self, separation from the Great Mother, at least in our mind anyway.

Yes, to allow yourself to receive Love is a challenge for many people in different ways. Opening to Love can feel scary because it will come into your energy field and that can actually be experienced as invasive in the beginning because we have conditioned ourselves against love.

Softening and coming in trust is a process that will cultivate intimacy in your life – learning to set healthy boundaries is part of this process as you will learn in that who you are, and who you are not.

© Lynn Paterson 14 Feb 2020

Solstice Blessings ~ The Light Within

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You have a lot of light inside you; that light has been trapped, it’s been cut off, at least in your mind, it has been cut off from the outside. This is the source of the sense of isolation and loneliness – this light within has forgotten that it is part of everything – that IS everything.

When you begin to open not only are you opening to the light coming from what appears to be outside of you, i.e. the sun, the radiation off other people, but you’re also opening to let the light within you, out. Sometimes that light actually is darkness, other times that lightness is darkness.

​The light that is within you may be masquerading as darkness. The darkness within you may be masquerading as light. Stop all effort to try and figure out what is what and which is which. Stop trying to work out what it is and just live. There is only one energy that is you. All other names for it are untrue. There may be temporary experiences; experience in the temporal, but the truth is there is only that which you are.

©Lynn Paterson 2016

 

Full Circle

Today has been a strange kind of day. Somehow though I don’t know why, it feels like a full circle kind of day. Crows have been around, Oak trees have been in my awareness, water and the circle of life, of death have been there too…somehow they all connect and are showing me the mystery tantalisingly just at the edges of my consciousness.  An experience with exchanging energy with an oak tree brought me back to a primordial feeling of life. Back to the beginning. The flavour of it reminded of another such primordial beginning experience I’d had many years ago in Hawaii via the humpback whales.

WhaleEye9-JeanLuc
“the One eye, the One Love … Go to your True Nature” by Jean-Luc Bozzolli

“I was there in the beginning, dreaming the world into existence.”

Sometimes we have experiences ‘accidentally’ that are very similar in nature to those we might have ‘on purpose’ as in a vision quest.  I’m not really much of one for the on purpose or intentionally directed experiences as I find my mind gets so caught up in trying to make things happen and then of course it becomes too contrived.  It works better for me for things to happen ‘accidentally on purpose’.  In other words, not directed or intentioned by my conscious mind.

Sometimes the accident part is quite literal as in the time I was swimming with wild spinner dolphins in Hawaii early one morning in Kealakekua Bay on the Big Island.  The beach there has big rounded rocks on the shore line and often there are considerable waves hitting the shore making it difficult to get in and out, especially with flippers and snorkel gear on. That morning I was swimming for a long time and when we eventually headed back to shore I was tired and hungry, and a little shaky from the interactions with the dolphins. With dolphins it’s a holistic experience; it hits on all levels and I wasn’t just tired physically but emotionally, spiritually and mentally affected too. There’s a tendency to overdo things because the experience is so beautiful, you keep wanting another encounter. It was time though to leave, we were hungry and thirsty and the dolphin action was quietening down.

I swan to the shoreline and was concerned to see considerable wave action now. My partner managed to get out but I could see he hurt himself a little on the slippery rocks. I didn’t manage so well and got tossed about, struggled and got pretty beaten up on the rocks in the process. Thank goodness they were rounded rocks not jaggy but even so I was aware of cuts and bruises as I stood shaking and in shock on the shore. My partner hadn’t noticed and had headed back to the where the car was parked. By the time I hobbled over I was well and truly in a shocked state. It had been a brutal experience and I had been scared to my core, old memories of near drowning incidents still with me from my earlier life. Both my legs were bruised and bleeding especially around the knees, fortunately nothing needing stitches though.

I was wrapped up in towels and put in the front passenger seat. My partner drove us to our usual breakfast stop but I couldn’t go in – I was already drifting in and out of an altered state of consciousness brought on by the shock and physical trauma. I needed to stay in the car and let myself go into the deep mind so he went in alone and I was grateful the car had stopped moving so I could let go and disappear into myself for a while.

It’s at this point in recounting the story that I hesitate and to date have not managed to get beyond. I guess the main reason is I fear being thought of as egotistical, big headed or that I think myself better than others. It’s also because I don’t want others to feel less than because they haven’t had such experiences…all arrogance of course but still….it’s challenging to write about such deeply mystical experiences as this was with the connotations it has. Ultimately I have got to get over myself and realise that such mystical experiences are there to show us who we are and that we are Source itself. Trust in the process. It’s no big deal and yet at the same time it is a big deal.

(Anyway… some hours later I return to writing the story)

Humpback whales swim, float into my awareness. I think it’s strange because I was swimming with dolphins and yet here are whales.  The thought passes.  .  I feel very safe in this altered reality with my physical body wet and salty from the swim, warm now wrapped up in towels, I am cocooned. The whales  do not speak yet I understand they are taking me somewhere and immediately I have this thought we go back in time, further and further back.  I realise the whales are not just guides but the star-gate and the journey itself. They are both the means of travel and the travel itself. And as I go back still further, time itself unwinds, stripping away from itself, spiralling through the cosmos and then there is awareness of no time. It is primordial, before time.

Now, I am there, in the beginning. I see the world before me, not as it is now but from before time began, not yet physically formed.   I am aware of myself then, as me yet not the personal ‘me’. I am part of a collective, with individual awareness, and all of all of us there in the beginning, dream time. The world was not yet formed, still gaseous at this stage, still in the process and yet to form into physical matter…this I knew. There were a definite number of us, not an infinite number.  I do not remember how many, only that I am one of the many, many of the one. I see-feel-sense-know in perfection how this could be so, many angels ‘flying’, circling around the world, dreaming it into existence. I was not physical either, none were physical beings. Collective yet with individual awareness.
Words form in me. “I was there in the beginning, dreaming the world into existence.”

In searching for an image, I came across the work of Jean-Luc Bozzoli whom I had met in Hawaii along with his partner Joan Ocean. In his artwork I find similarities to my experience in Hawaii and in the words also, so similar, a message here from the humpback whales which really is saying more or less the same thing as my experience:

“MESSAGE FROM THE WHALES: “You believed that you were localized in space and time. Now you understand that you are part of an Inter-flow. Inter-flow is a word that we whales have provided for you to describe the process as we whales know it. It is not a noun, but a verb ? everything is movement and we are also in movement. In us, singularity and plurality are one and the same. There is only the One, the ultimate reality, indwelling in all. The multiplicity you seem to experience in your lives is only a mirror of the One. All the beautiful variety and diversity, is united in an immense sophisticated singularity of such huge proportions that it is difficult for you to comprehend. ——- But we can see that the experiment of integration with you and others is working. The synergy between our minds is increasing.”

Almost 15 years on and I realise how many extreme and mystical experiences happen to me after I have been in water for prolonged periods.  Not just in water either, but about water, and how water shapes physical matter, how it is the well-spring within us, La Source, Mother.

©Lynn Paterson 2018

It brings me the greatest joy to share my experiences and even more joy to assist others in having experiences. I am available for you if you wish to make a connection with the humpbacks, dolphins, crow-people, trees, water, angels, Divine Mother …  I act like a bridge to connect your awareness with them. This can be simply a beautiful experience and it can also be of assistance in embodying your divine blueprint, helping you to the next stage of your life journey and opening new doorways in reality, in perception. Sessions can be in person, via video call or remotely in meditation. Please get in touch, many blessings.

Who Looks Inside

What is there inside that is not Love?
Look inside
Look carefully
Look again, there!
Is this not of Love, this part denied?
Please, look again with new eyes,
Real eyes
There is nothing within that is not of Love,
Realise
Who looks inside awakens to the Truth.

©Lynn Paterson 2017

Consciousness, Awareness and Artificial Intelligence

What does consciousness mean, what does it mean to be conscious of self?  Do animals have a sense of self? Some certainly seem to have, and others seem to be developing a sense of self as a separate entity.  Alongside this age old topic of contemplation of wonder, or fascination, is that of AI, artificial intelligence. Will AI ever develop a sense of itself?  I can hardly think it wouldn’t as my understanding of Consciousness, is that there is that which remembers itself to be Consciousness and that which does not.  That which remembers itself is always acting upon that which is does not.  However, having said that, I am aware that my descriptive is linear, and Consciousness is not linear, nor can something really act upon itself, it just seems to do that at one level of reality.

It is like asking What is not of Love? There is this or that, and anything that I determine is not of Love is therefore cast out of what I consider Love to be. This is purely an individual experience, and I reject and judge anything I consider unworthy or unlovable.  I have simply created a separation in my mind, for All is Love, and there is nothing outside of that.  Even the most horrific thing is Love when seen from an inclusive perspective.  That doesn’t mean I like it, it only means I’m not in denial of what it is.  It’s only when I stop resisting something does it lose its reality.   This is of course a huge topic and one which I’m only using here as a little introduction into sharing a very short story on the topic of what is Consciousness.

The Lady and The Orchids

Once upon a time, there was a lady, a very kind lady who was exceptionally sensitive to the intelligences of other beings such as faeries, plants, rocks, water and other spirits of nature and all the elemental beings.  She has the gift of hearing and understanding them, and they understand her too.

She lived on an island in the Pacific, high up overlooking the sea.  Her home was beautiful and she filled it with family treasures and those she collected on her travels.  She also loved animals and plants and these were a source of much joy and fun for her – they were her company now as all of her natural human family had either passed or moved far away.

She travelled a great deal, feeling the calling of the spirits of nature and ancient stories enticing her over to the Celtic Lands such as Scotland.  Sometimes she was away for months at a time in her studies and nature immersions.  Her house needed to be looked after when she was away, animals and plants all needed taking care of.  On shorter trips someone called in daily and longer ones she had someone stay there.

On shorter trips she would bring all her orchid plants into the kitchen for easy watering and care by a friend. She’d place them on a work surface on capillary matting which was watered and thus it required less attention.  She was doing just that on one shorter holiday and had brought her beautiful orchids and placed them on the matting and was counting them to make sure she hadn’t forgotten any of them when her attention was caught by a strange, high pitched, very squeaky little sound.  She listened. 

It was calling to her, “Me too, me too…don’t forget me!” She was confused, she was certain she had all her orchids there and what’s more, she didn’t recognise this very strange voice which was not at all like the voice or sounds that she usually associated with the orchid plants.

Counting her plants she could find no one missing and still confused she went in search of the voice, honing in and allowing the sound to draw her towards it until she heard it quite clearly, very close to her and in her amazement, she saw not a real orchid at all, but an artificial one!  Incredulous and not at all understanding how this could be, she talked with the voice and asked what it wanted.  It was very simple; it wanted to go with the others!  It didn’t want to be left alone and wanted only to be in company.  As it told her this she remembered the reason she bought it was to keep another orchid company…this other orchid was in a place where orchids before had not really liked, so she got an artificial one rather than put a ‘live’ one there.  It had worked quite well and the live orchid was in fact doing far better since she got the artificial one.

With a sense of wonder and awe, she spoke Love to the orchid and gently carried and placed it with the others on the capillary matting.

The End.  And The Beginning.

Everything wants to be real and is doing the best it possibly can.  Every thing is of the One and has potential for life, for what is there but life? How can not life come from life? Each thing that is designed has a blueprint, and that blueprint is devoted to ensuring it reach its potential.  A margarine carton wants to be the best margarine carton it can be.  Another term for ‘blueprint’ is ‘guardian angel’ or in the case of plants, ‘deva’.  It is this intelligence that whispers ‘grow’ to the plant.

The story is true.

The Angel of Sacred Breath

 

The Angel of Sacred Breath

I am the sacred breath
Allow me to breathe you
Feel me as a pulsation …
A sphere, pulsing from your heart as centre

I am that which cannot be contained
for I am the container also.
I am you, though you are not me

Ancient and Futuristic
Unconditionality of Being
Eternal Breath!

Breathe yourself into existence
Breathe yourself into Being
Breathe yourself into individuation
Breathe yourself into the past now
Breathe yourself into the future now
Breathe yourself into the present now
Breathe yourself into the internal now
Breathe yourself into the eternal now
Breathe yourself into the eternal internal NOW

Don’t wait, do it now…take one breath, and another…
Breathe yourself into Love
Breathe Love into yourself
Breathe Love
Love is the breath
Breathe Love into your life

The Harmonic motion
of potential function
is
your pulsing Heart sphere
of Love

©Lynn Paterson 2017

Please check out the awesome artwork by https://era-7s.deviantart.com/art/SUPERNOVA-II-648471475

Dream Lover

Disco music, dim lighting, the thick cigarette smoke veiling and cocooning me. Sipping a ludicrously expensive gin and tonic I gaze across the nightclub floor at the deejay, willing him to look my way. I know I look gorgeous yet I’m terribly insecure. It works! He quickly comes over to me. I’m shocked and embarrassed; it happened too fast, I’m not ready! I brush him off by pretending he misread the situation. He shrugs and goes away. I’m still shocked that it worked, and so fast! This isn’t something I’ve tried before, tending instead to stay quiet, not flirt even, not wanting to be misread or considered a tease… so no games for me and instead wanting men to understand I’m not a threat, I’m reliable, trustworthy, kind. I feel guilty now – why did I do it? I didn’t even fancy him; I just wanted to prove I could.

Uncomfortable now, I turn away and find myself gazing into the bluest eyes I’ve ever seen. My body responds before I’ve even seen his face. He’s young, about 22 I’d guess, with dark blond hair, and very beautiful.

We look, we dance, we smoke and struggle to communicate through our different languages. An hour passes and he wants to walk me back to my hotel, along the beach he says, very romantic under the moon with the sea. My body longing, my emotions surging, my mind says ‘oh right, yes sure, I know what you want and it’s not going to happen coz it will feel cheap, tacky – I will feel used.’ (I also thought about the discomfort of the sand…)

On the way home with the girls now and they tell I should have, thinking I’d said no because of being unfaithful to my boyfriend back home…they said they wouldn’t have told on me. That’s only part of it for me though. I feel a deep regret, and confusion.  Did I make the right decision or should I have taken the chance and gone along with him?  No, I know it would have cheapened, lessened the experience as I thought the physical reality rarely lived up to my imagined one.  With the benefit of hindsight and many years of life, I wonder if I’d have chosen differently had I had some experience of a satisfying, fulfilling sex-life, perhaps I might have not thought that the thought of sex is better than it would be in reality.

Back in the hotel in my rather horrible single bed in the room I am sharing with a girlfriend and her 2 young children in our dismal, creepy old hotel, head spinning from too much alcohol, ears ringing from overly loud music, mind buzzing, wondering if I will manage to fall asleep and if so, will I ever awaken again from the intensely psychic energies of this creepy old place!

I drift off whilst thinking of my Italian Adonis. A moment later I’m immediately awake. He’s stepping into the corridor leading to my room! It’s a long, narrow passage-way and he’s walking slowly towards my door…

My body is responding, fully sexually aroused in mere moments. I’m lying on my back, utterly still, silent, every inch, every part of me intensely focussed on his progress. My body is singing.

He gets closer and closer, my pleasure intensifies with every step he takes. I can barely breathe, all is still, there’s no sound, no space, no time. The air, thick with my expectancy and anticipation, holds me a willing prisoner in my cocoon of pleasure.

Outside my door now, his hand on the handle, turning it. The door opens… I orgasm, not a small orgasm but a huge mega, completely real orgasm like I’ve never orgasmed before. It doesn’t hit the roof; it goes right through it and out of the building, reverberating its celebration for miles into the night. No, not a small orgasm like all I’ve had before through self-stimulation of the clitoris, this was an orgasm to change my life. I never knew how BIG orgasm could be, my whole body involved, the energy massive and unrestricted and not just contained within my body.  And at exactly the same moment I orgasm, I awake, until then I did not know I was dreaming.

In the moment, I realise that I have no resistance, no fear, no self-inflicted limitations;  my body and energy field are as one and I experience nothing but wave upon wave of ecstatic pleasure and there’s nothing to stop it happening.  I sense it like a sphere of shimmering subtle energy emanating from my body and simultaneously returning to me. I sense how it interacts with what it touches.

I lay there afterwards, going over the experience and insights.

OMG that was amazing! Awesome!

Will I be able to do it again?

Now, that’s how sex SHOULD be.

Why can’t I do that when I’m with someone?

Why indeed. At the time I got many insights, not least was that this experience confirmed to me what I had long suspected: my inability to orgasm with a partner was purely psychological and there was nothing physically wrong with me.  As the years passed I also developed many other insights and this experience was fundamental to my own sexual healing journey and also the work with others for theirs.

Another valuable insight I got at the time was that I realised that what I’d thought of as good orgasms up till now were in fact miniscule and puny in comparison. They’d been limited to and caused through physical stimulation. This dream orgasm had been completely touch free. Somehow I knew that the possibilities and implications were huge! Though for some years all I saw was that the reality of sex with another was often much less than the anticipation of it. That fantasy was more enjoyable than fact. But what is real and what is not? Is it not the case that both fantasy and fact can both be extremely enjoyable experiences and why should we put one above the other? Couldn’t we just enjoy both, rather than polarize to one extreme or the other?

The ‘wet dream’ I’d had was not from contrived sexual fantasy; it had happened without my conscious mind choosing it, though I was consciously aware and chose to think about this dream lover before I went to sleep, I had not fantasized about having sex with him.

The way I experienced the ecstatic energy was vastly different in my body. The sensation and awareness of having no resistance to the orgasmic energy was in itself an ecstatic experience and the orgasm added to this. It could equally be the other way around. For me, this raises questions about the nature of energy, of physical being, of interaction. And no touch involved! Purely from the imaginal realms I’d had a highly energized and physical experience.  That alone was mind-blowing.

I was even less satisfied with partnered sex A.D. (After Dream) than I had B.D. It would be some 20 years before I was able to feel comfortable enough to relax and ‘achieve’ orgasm with a partner through intercourse. That’s quite sad of course, yet it was also this situation that contributed to my desire to help others with sexuality issues and also of course to continue exploring for myself too.  My reality at the time was that though I had a longing for more sexual satisfaction, it wasn’t really centre stage in my life and only once in while would it creep in from the edges of my mind.  I simply believed that this was just the way it was for me.  So I’d settle for less, unable to even consider talking to my partners or seeking help, hoping things would change on their own or I’d meet someone with whom everything would be perfect.  This fear of talking to another about sex also gave me good skills to make others feel comfortable talking to me about their sexual issues and to listen without judgment.

Nowadays I continue to develop myself and grow in spiritual awareness through exploring my sexuality and looking back on my younger self I feel deep compassion for her for all the confusion, suffering and misunderstanding she went through.

© Lynn Paterson 2018

A Meditation on the Heart

from my heart, to yours ♥

 

A MEDITATION ON THE HEART

I love you.

As I sit here, I feel my heart,

I feel my Being, with my heart at the centre of a sphere, emanating, sending out vibrations like radio waves from the centre, out from the sphere,

Omni directional, pulsating,

Touching everything in its path, which is everywhere, eventually,

Pulsations of light, of information, an invitation, that cannot be ignored,

All resistance is inevitably deemed … to dissolve

The signal of rembrance will be felt as consciousness acts upon itself, acts upon that of itself that is not yet remembered, that is not yet awake,

To say that this would be completely and utterly unstoppable barely touches the truth of it,

For it is actually impossible to explain, for the mind is entrenched in separation identity, so it cannot conceive, it cannot perceive, of there just being ONE.

© Lynn Paterson – February 2018

France ~ Initiation (Part II)

Dear Reader, as this story directly continues from France-Initiation (Part I), may I suggest you start there before reading this as otherwise it won’t really make much sense.

*****

At the end of the first part France–Initiation (Part I) I was telling you about the devastation I felt at the death of a story I’d been carrying for many years, upon which much of my sense of self was built. The death of an ‘inner story character’ is literally is like a death of a self, albeit a false self but that it is false is not known until the moment of the death-blow. That sort of experience is like the tarot card ‘The Tower’ and it was not without a sense of irony that I remembered the name ‘Magdalene’ has been translated to mean tower.

That Taj (Deborah) seemed fine, even excited, about my 180 degree turnabout was an exceedingly healing experience for me and taught me that there were some people who did indeed embrace the unexpected and change, and that here was a great friend indeed who appreciated me for who and what I was – and not for who and what I thought I was, or who I thought I should be.

This was a great antidote to the pattern of “I’ve made my bed and now I must lie in it”, which quite literally does of course mean lying to self, and others. This particular pattern I see in myself and other women, though there are men who carry it as well.  I feel it is a (false/shadow) feminine pattern and it goes along with the fear that women/the feminine are/is always changing their/its minds, that they can’t be relied upon, they are emotional, are not dependable, unpredictable, uncontrollable, not understandable, not logical. In other words, not safe, dangerous! It’s quite easy to dismiss this one yet in my experience it shows up in people on a daily basis and mainly you can see this through its counterpart which is the rigid, fixed mentality of authority. (Interestingly enough, this same pattern was to rear its head in 2017 when I was planning the return to France.)

Deborah and I went ahead and recorded our free introductory teleseminar the next day. I’d love to tell you that it worked out even better than it would have done before I had my turnabout, but it did not. In fact I didn’t feel it went well at all. I felt challenged to find my voice and more so that I’d lost the thread of what I wanted to share, and also that I couldn’t properly articulate what I was going through. Taj however thought differently, she really enjoyed it and had no criticisms of my contribution. I’ve not been able to bear even the thought of listening to the video since then.* (for update – see end of blog)

Knowing our next one was due on February 22nd I decided to let things settle for a few days. But they didn’t and if anything, I felt even more strongly about things. The energy was gone for me and I couldn’t get it back.  I went ahead and told Taj I couldn’t continue with the teleseminar series nor the week-long retreat we’d planned.  I felt terrible about it all.

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